I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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