I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
