Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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