I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
