My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just cropdusted the office
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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