HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
