Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
