all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
