I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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