I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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