I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
