My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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