Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
