The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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