i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
