Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
