i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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