She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Two words: blizzard sex
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize