I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
