that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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