just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
