I'm eating all of the evidence.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
