Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
