It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
