he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
