____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
time to smoke my breakfast
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
