What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
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Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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