He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
