i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
