i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
