My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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