Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
