On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
