I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
