I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
