oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
