he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
