yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
