is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
