The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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