Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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