last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
