So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
