my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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