Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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