he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
