i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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