Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
