I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
