i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
