I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
