This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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