i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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