I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
