I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
