I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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