I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
