Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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