no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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